Let’s Have Difficult Conversations! 

Let’s face it, difficult conversations are . . . well difficult! These conversations can be uncomfortable, hurtful or deflating. Whether that is sharing bad news, confronting a loved one about a behavior that was hurtful or receiving constructive (or maybe just negative) feedback. Despite the possible discomfort, difficult conversations are necessary and, in fact, can be extremely beneficial for relationship building. Personal growth can even occur when tough conversations are approached with care, empathy and respect. There are a few different types of difficult conversations that you may want to prepare for: 

A “What Happened?” Conversation 

A “what happened” conversation is one in which we are trying to determine the facts of a situation. Many of us are stuck trying to determine who is right and who is wrong when we are in an argument or difficult conversation. We make assumptions about what is true, what the other person’s intentions are, and who is to blame for the current situation. So, what is wrong with that? Although we often believe we are correct in our assumptions, we can be mistaken. Even in situations, where we are certain we must be right, we usually have limited or incorrect information. There are likely other factors that we know nothing about. Our assumptions about the others’ intentions usually do not include their point of view or perceptions of the situation. 

One place this might show up is when a friend relays a conversation to us about a conflict with someone else, and we take that information as fact without having been a part of the original conversation. When faced with interacting with the people actually involved in the situation, we might think we have all the facts correct because we trust our friends, even if there are gaps in our knowledge. 

A “Feelings” Conversation 

When having a “feelings” conversation a person may experience strong emotions but may be afraid to acknowledge or reveal these emotions. Alternatively, a person may experience strong emotions and lash out at the other party, often believing the other person is the cause of these emotions. Neither of these reactions provides space for joint problem sharing and resolution. Our emotions tell us something about ourselves and the situations we are in. It is possible to acknowledge and share one’s feelings without blame, while acknowledging the other party’s emotions with empathy. We can change a “feelings” conversation into a problem-solving conversation by being nonjudgmental and taking careful note of both our feelings and the feelings of the other person. 

One place this might show up is when you try to have a casual conversation about expectations regarding an upcoming event and someone snaps at you in response. You might be caught off guard in the moment and react with heightened emotions as well. It is possible the other person is feeling so overwhelmed with work, school and other obligations that the idea of one more event was too much to handle. Their reaction wasn’t about you or even the event. 

An “Identity” Conversation 

Conversations can also be difficult because the underlying situation being discussed threatens our identity, or sense of self, in some way. We have a view of who we are, and we react strongly when we believe our identity has been attacked. “Identity” conversations can be painful because they force us to consider possible discrepancies between the way we see ourselves and the way others see us. 

To change a “difficult identity” conversation into a “learning” conversation requires a measure of introspection. When our identities are threatened, we tend to see the perceived threat in stark terms: if I’m not “good” in your eyes this means I must be “bad.” In fact, our identities are complex and layered. It is possible that some aspect of what another person believes about us can be true without it meaning that everything this person believes about us is true. When we have a layered, nuanced understanding of ourselves, we recognize that the totality of who we are is not negated by another person’s opinions. We will be better able to accept feedback and engage others on topics that would have threatened us in the past. 

One place this might show up is when someone wants to share criticism or feedback about the way in which we are performing an officer role. If being a chapter officer is a core part of our sense of self, those criticisms may feel more intense than the other person intends. 

When facing one of these difficult types of conversations, there are a few things you can do to ensure the conversation is calm and productive: 

• Communicate intentions clearly: Difficult conversations are most productive when done in person (or over the phone if in person is not possible). Tone and intent do not translate over texting, and this could make a difficult conversation even harder. When reaching out to the other party to meet up, share with them why you want to meet (to talk about a certain topic) and what your preferred outcome is (for example, to gain a better understanding of each other so you can move forward positively). 
• Set the intention: Decide to communicate authentically, and work toward a greater understanding of the other party and the situation as a whole. 
• Pay attention: Be aware of your verbal and non-verbal actions during a disagreement. Try to identify the uncomfortable feelings and strong negative reactions you are experiencing. 
• Practice active listening: Rather than creating your response in your head during the conversation, give the other person your full attention. Focus on what they are saying. Have compassion for their perspective, even though you may disagree. 
• Respond, rather than react: Refrain from the pitfalls of generalizing, blaming or shaming. Stick to the specific issues at hand, rather than bring up past experiences to bolster your position or win an argument. Focus on the current conversation and issue. 
• Practice vulnerability: Take responsibility for your actions, be willing to apologize if appropriate, be willing to share your thoughts and emotions, and try not to see it as a “me vs them” but “us vs the problem.” 
• Be patient: You might be ready and willing to dive into a difficult conversation. Keep in mind, the other person might not be quite as ready, and you might need to offer a little bit of time for them to reflect and prepare their thoughts. 

As you navigate the end of the term, stress can be high with officer elections, finals, internships and travel home for the holidays. You may find the need to pause and make time for some difficult conversations. Remember, these conversations can and should be good for your personal growth and for strengthening relationships if both parties approach the conversation with the above in mind. 

Written by: Lisa Allen and Sarah Cohen