Setting Boundaries

Our shared definition of Generosity states that “Delta Zeta women willingly and freely share and provide help to others without expecting anything in return.” In theory, this sounds ideal. However, we are all human and cannot always be freely sharing our resources, time, assistance and encouragement without also being generous to ourselves. In order to take care of others, we must take care of ourselves, and one way to do this is setting boundaries. So, what does this mean?

Boundary setting is a form of self-care that involves establishing guidelines for how you want to be treated by others and how you treat others. Boundaries can be physical, psychological or emotional and can help you feel safe, respected and valued. Boundaries can be set within a workplace, with friends and family members. When you have a relationship that is strong in friendship and understanding, communicating boundaries should not impact those relationships negatively.

When you know what your boundaries are, it is important to communicate these by sharing them in a clear, calm and direct manner. If your boundaries are not respected, ask yourself, was there a miscommunication or is this a relationship that is not valued? Remember that you must also respect someone else’s boundaries. 

Sometimes it is hard to know what your boundaries are so let’s review a few ways you may be having boundaries crossed without realizing it! According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” (2021), potential indicators may be:

• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling resentful of people asking for our help
• Avoiding calls and interactions with others in case they ask for something
• Making comments about helping people and not receiving anything in return
• Feeling burned out
• Regularly daydreaming about dropping everything and running away

If you feel any of these, take some time for self-reflection and see what was occurring or who was around when you started to feel this way, and notice any patterns. Then think about what boundaries may help in these situations. Take a look at the chart from https://positivepsychology.com below for a few examples of what to say to set a specific type of boundary. Remember that boundaries are “something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships” (Tawwab, 2021). They strengthen relationships and keep you healthy and happy, they are not there to make your relationships difficult. It may feel hard at first, but once you feel confident in setting and enforcing your boundaries, you will create much healthier and happier relationships!

Written by: Lisa Allen 

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). “Set boundaries, find peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself.” [New York, New York], TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.